Artemis and his mall mallofactor
by Writerchick01
Summary: Artemis and Minerva go to an emergency mall trip and Holly watches as Artemis becomes increasingly uncomfortable...


Artemis Fowl was in America reading one of his physics books waiting for Minerva to come out of the changing room. They were going to a business meeting and unfortunately one of Minerva's suitcases had gotten lost on the flight making it impossible to go to the meeting despite Artemis's protests and then pleas.

"Artemis, I have no undergarments and no business suits, this is a weeklong business conference on Global Issues I need to be professional. And no I refused to take the private jet because it wastes too much energy and that's that!" Artemis had blushed and nodded as they had Butler drive them to a Mall and Minerva proceeded to shop. It was now ten at night and Butler and Artemis were waiting outside the dressing rooms while Minerva paraded business suits in front of them asking opinions and glaring at Artemis and his monosyllabic comments.

"Artemis really, you of all people know that appearance matters. Looks affect body language and I could lecture you but I won't, so do not just say fine think about it! You're supposed to have a brain so use it!"

Artemis looked stunned by the jab and took his eyes off the book in time to see Butler hide a grin. Minerva huffed and twirled on the spot in a strapless black velvet dress that flowed just to her knees, pantyhose, and black stilettos that gave the few inches that she needed to be eye level with him. It flowed around her like water and Artemis closed his eyes and breathed as his normally clear thoughts became confused. _The conference, Global Issues, the square root of 947,820 _he thought to himself until he could thin without seeing the dress."You look lovely, you always do."

Minerva looked at him suspiciously. "Fine this is for the ball now all I need is a decent strapless bra oh lord do you think I can get all of that before we have to be at the first meeting?" Artemis looked down at his watch and was surprised that they had half an hour to get to the hotel and then the meeting. This had already taken five hours?

"Probably best to skip that." Artemis said closing his book and tucking it under his arm but was horrified to see Minerva shake her head impatiently. "No I need underwear Artemis, and I need to change back and pay here's my other card go over there and get a box of small panties and two 36C regular bras along with one strapless. No polka dots or Pushups please." And with that she walked back into the changing room and left Artemis standing there with the card in his stiff fingers and Butler watching his expression change rapidly across his face.

"She can't be serious, can she?" Artemis finally choked out as Butler stated moving to were Minerva had gestured.

"I suspect she will be peeved if you don't," Butler said managing not to laugh at his employers face. Artemis breathed deeply again and then set off in a quick pace down the aisle.

"What does she expect me to do just, I don't know!" Artemis said stopping shot at the row and rows of women's underclothes.

"I suspect she would like you to get her something to wear for the rest of the trip." Butler said and Artemis glared at him in a very un-genius way.

"Thank you old friend, I meant, well, you know, patterns." He waved vaguely at the mass assortment of underwear and Butler took pity on him. He had had more encounters with women clothing and since this was Artemis's first…

"Here I'll get the underwear, Just go over there and get solid color bras. It will say 36C on the top of the hanger; remember she's wearing a black strapless dress so get a black strapless bra. If they don't have that get beige."

Artemis stared at Butler in shock. "How do you know so much about this?"

"Juliet," Butler said by way of answering and Artemis watched as Butler strolled off. Artemis walked though the aisle astonished by how women thought they needed so much help to achieve a more pleasing figure.

"Honestly this just proves how little faith American's have in themselves." Artemis muttered as he randomly grabbed some of the right size and got a black strapless. Artemis's fairy communicator rang causing him to jump and as he held up his hand to his ear he tried to sound composed.

"Yes Holly?" He said glad that his voice seemed normal.

"Artemis you promised to call about three hours ago! I'm outside now because I thought something happened but no you're just an idiot and decided to take a trip to the mall! What are you even doing in there?" Holly yelled sitting on the roof of the Macy's store she felt like an imbecile for worrying.

"Yes well, on the plane Minerva lost her bag and since she needed underwear, I had to get those because we have to get back to the hotel and then-"

Artemis was shocked to hear himself _babble_ but Holly cut him off with a short laugh as she asked. "Wait are you telling me that you," she proceeded to laugh again. "Are in the middle of Macy's, getting Minerva Paradizo some bras? You, the most romantically challenged boy in the world? Oh are you dating her yet because Foaly bet it would be this year but I bet on your ability to be a blundering fool so I knew she'd have to ask you. I figured she'd get so fed up with you by next year please tell me your still emotionally challenged." Artemis was about to reply but was shocked as he was cut off by Foaly!

"There's no way this awkwardness between them will last till next year, Artemis probably doesn't even know it's there. This was just another ploy by Ms. Paradizo to try to get him to realize that she is a woman now, a few years older than him to, so more experienced in the field remember that Russian chap she had before Artemis came back. Butler teased her about him for ages but she ditched him the moment Butler told her Artemis came back. Come on mud boy please say you've asked her out!

Artemis took a deep breath as Holly and Foaly waited for his reply. Foaly really wanting those carrots, holly really wanting those discs Foaly had of her. "Minerva and I have not engaged in that type of relationship what so ever nor do we plan to. This is just because of a timing issue and Holly really I can take care of myself there was no need to come up just for a missed call." Foaly groaned and Holly whooped as Artemis made it back to the checkout counter. He met Butler along the way and gave him the card and bras so he could keep up this extremely irritating yet informational discussion. He heard Holly and Foaly arguing about Artemis's ability to comprehend about Minerva's 'come on's and Artemis blushed at that. Minerva didn't like him like that did she? He was confused and embarrassed.

"So you two have had a running bet on whether Minerva and I date?" He asked wincing as his voice cracked.

"Oh poor Arty he wouldn't know love if it danced naked in front of him." Holly sighed and Foaly snickered.

"Look mud boy, she likes you, you are oblivious, and the bets off I guess since you _know_ so let me give you some advice. Complement her, open doors for her makes joke to her at parties, see how she reacts me and Cabaline still do all that and Holly and Trouble over there are-"

"Foaly, Artemis doesn't want to hear about things like that!" Holly said hurriedly her voice an octave higher.

"Oh yes Artemis does want to hear about that, what's going on between them?" Artemis asked but before Foaly could answer Minerva raced up to him with the bags.

"Come on Artemis Butler says we need to go!" And with that she took his hand and dragged him to the car. Butler was in front with both Artemis and Minerva in the back. With no more than a shimmer Holly appeared shot gun without even a swerve from Butler who must have know about her arrival.

"Hey Minerva, Arty" Holly said brightly taking her helmet off and massaging the tips of her ears which were red from their position in the helmet.

"Hey Holly will you please tell Artemis that women's undergarments are not something to be embarrassed about If I had to get boxers for you I would not be so, well, flabbergasted. Artemis turned towards the window his cheeks flaming as Holly and Minerva both laughed at him. Honestly he did not deserve this, he was a criminal mastermind!

"Oh Frond like the time we had to time travel, did I ever tell you…" Holly said and Artemis tuned out the two women for five minutes as he remembered their sixth adventure together. He didn't know how but some day these two women were going to be the death of him.


End file.
